You’re Never Alone During the Holidays

Dear Beautiful Black Girl,

I already know somebody may ask.

Are you seeing anyone? What happened to the last one? Have you tried being less picky? You know “so and so” just got engaged.

They may ask while passing the macaroni and cheese. They may laugh as though your life has become the family’s favorite holiday ribbing. You may laugh too, even though you feel your shoulders rise.

I want you to remember that you can come home without bringing an explanation.

Being single during the holidays can feel spacious one moment and tender the next. You can love the freedom of your own life and still wish someone were beside you. You can enjoy arriving alone and feel something when everyone begins pairing off for the evening. One feeling does not cancel the other.

Some of my best holidays happened while I was single. I could travel when I wanted, stay as long as I wanted, and visit the people who knew me before I had to explain myself. I could come home, put on my pajamas, curl beneath a blanket, and decide whether dinner would be something beautiful and socially big or a quiet table for one.

The quiet belonged to me. So did the pleasure.

And if I wanted a little holiday affection with an old boyfriend, that belonged to me too. My body. My mistletoe. My decision.

Still, freedom does not protect us from every lonely moment. Sometimes the season simply presses on a desire that was already there. Sometimes the ache comes from missing a particular person. Sometimes it comes from being surrounded by people who keep treating partnership as proof that a woman’s life is moving forward.

Your life is moving.

It is moving through friendships, work, rest, desire, laughter, disappointment, family, and all the private ways you have learned to care for yourself. Love may enter that life in another form someday. Today, it already exists in more places than the holiday photographs can hold.

Spend your energy where you feel received.

Stay near the people who ask about your happiness before they ask about your relationship status. Leave when your body begins asking for quiet. Let an invitation be an invitation instead of an obligation. Create a tradition that fits the woman you are now.

You can want partnership without making the present feel like a waiting room.

You can miss someone and still have a beautiful day.

You can show up alone and remain deeply connected.

This holiday season, I hope you give yourself the same warmth you would offer someone you love. I hope you let your life be full without forcing it to look finished. And when the questions come, I hope you remember that your heart is your own private home.

You decide who gets invited inside.

With love,

Shonda Denise